


All Of My Mistakes, All Of Your Love

by JustFolieADeuxIt



Category: All Time Low, Bandom, Sleeping With Sirens, bands - Fandom
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse, Childbirth, Drug Abuse, Drugs, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mpreg, Rape, Violence, graphic depictions of childbirth
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-10 05:27:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11685015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustFolieADeuxIt/pseuds/JustFolieADeuxIt
Summary: Kellin gives birth to his daughter 2 years after Alex broke up with him. They haven't spoken since the break up and Kellin gave Alex plenty of reasons not to.Kellin has no idea who the father of the baby is.Kellin has little memory of what happened 9 months agoAlex has no idea at allAll Kellin knows is that someone took advantage of him when he was drunk.. Who was it?When Kellin finds outHe wishes he hadn't..





	All Of My Mistakes, All Of Your Love

**Author's Note:**

> PRE-WARNING SO YOU ALL BETTER READ THIS: This story is going to BLOW your mind. This story is DARK. This story is going to make you cry and give you intense feels and nerves. This first chapter includes a very graphic childbirth.. So if you can't handle that, then don't read because it's gonna' get nasty. (Which, I mean. Birth is natural so it can't be too nasty.. If you're reading this, then you were obviously born and don't lie - You've probably seen photos (And possibly videos) of yourself BEING born)
> 
> Another warning: This story will have violence, drug use, alcohol use and mentions and depictions of physical and emotional abuse.. SO once again, if it bother you - Then DON'T read it. Simple enough? Okay. Now grab some tea or coffee, some snacks and here we go.

"Fuck!"

It was Kellin's number one choice of word as he moved around the back of his car, changing positions and panting as he tried to get through the pain that was currently making him feel like his insides were being ripped apart.

He settled on kneeling on the back seat, holding on to the door handle above the window as he breathed deeply.

"God, help me.." He begged. "I'm sorry for the things I've done." He added, starting to cry.

Two year ago, things had been different. Kellin had been on his way to stardom.. On his way to a music career.. To signing with a major record label. But neither of those hurt as bad as the most important thing he had planned on doing: Marrying his fiance.

He wasn't even quite sure what started it. But as the time went on and Kellin grew closer to becoming a major solo artist, he began to fall into a deep and dark spiral of doing the worst things he could do.

Drugs, drinking, partying.. He would take or use anything thrown at him or sold to him. The drinking made him violent and it was scaring Alex. Alex had even had to leave the house and go to his parents when Kellin became too angry and threatened to hurt him.

Then, one by one, all his friends started to drop him. They blocked his number, his email, his social media accounts. They stopped coming over.. Besides there was nowhere for them to come over to once Kellin lost his apartment.

Once Alex had finally gotten the nerve to end things for his own safety and after many failed attempts to get Kellin into rehab and straighten out his acts of drug and alcohol abuse, Kellin was kicked out by Alex and had resorted to getting a small apartment.

But he couldn't pay the rent or the bills. It was hard enough when the record company cut all ties with him after deeming him "Unacceptable" and "Immature" - There were also words like "Out of control" and "Messed up" spewed at him from the head of the label. But it was harder when he spent any money he earned playing on the streets, on a case of beer or a baggy of cocaine.

Then months down the line, came the night that he was extra drunk and stumbling around outside of a club.. He hadn't been conscious when it had happened.. But when he woke up with his clothes half off and found himself laying in someone else's hotel room bed, he realized he had been raped.

Things only got harder and he stumbled into a never-ending hole of depression. He couldn't afford therapy, he had no one to talk to or run to. He had no one to hug and no one that would hold him.

He had no one and it was his fault. He was living out of his car, tying to figure things out. Trying to figure himself out. He knew he needed to ground himself and make everything right.. He planned on mending his relationship with Alex and all his friends.. His family as well, family that didn't speak to him either.

He did change.. But only when he was forced to. The day he found out he was pregnant.

Now he was 9 months along and in labor, having what he could only imagine were the worst contractions ever experienced by anyone.

He knew he couldn't go anywhere. He lost his health insurance months ago. He'd had a few appointments at a free clinic, but they only allowed so many free visits during the pregnancy. Mostly just the visits that were medically required to ensure a healthy pregnancy was happening. He even got to find out the gender.

But now he was suffering and he knew he deserved it, but it didn't mean he didn't seek forgiveness.

"Help me! God, please!" He screamed as the pain started up again, this time worse than the last. He let go of the handle and doubled over, trying to breathe. The pain ran all up in his stomach and sides as well as his lower back and hips. It was like nothing he'd ever felt before and he was sure he was going to pass out from it.

He was shaking, his hands trembling as he stared at them. His hair was damp with sweat along with his face. He let out a slow breath as the pain ebbed off. He then laid back across the seats, drawing in long, deep breaths.

Not even a full minute later and he could feel the searing pain coming back. This time it was too much. Along with the pain he felt, he also felt another sensation in his stomach.

He felt sick.

He shut his eyes and placed a hand on the door.

"Breathe" He whispered to himself as he felt the pain increase and get stronger.

He couldn't fight it. He felt everything coming up and he quickly slammed the door open with one hand, trying to keep from falling out of the car with the other. He vomited onto the dirt, retching forcefully as his body expelled his dinner from earlier. He coughed a few times and wiped his mouth. He couldn't handle the pain.. He couldn't handle any of it. He let the rain fall on his face for a moment, trying to cool off. After a moment he closed the door and leaned back against the seat.

It had been raining outside all day and from inside the car, he could hear it pelting against the windows. He could hear the wind howling as well as it whipped around the trees.

Kellin squeezed his eyes shut as the pain returned and hoped he wouldn't vomit again. That's when he felt a gush of liquid spread throughout his jeans. He gasped and moved into a sitting position, staring at the wetness.

It was real now. His water broke.. The baby was coming.. In a car, with no doctors and no help.

He placed a hand on his stomach, taking deep breaths when he had a moment to relax from the pain. He could feel the beginning of something different now though. 

Pressure. It felt like a sack of bricks was sitting between his legs. His hips were aching and his pelvis felt like it was going to explode.

"Fuck.." He closed his eyes again as his middle contracted violently.

He burst into tears, unable to hold it together anymore.

"Mom!" He cried. "I want my mom! Please! God.. Please, I want my mom.." He sobbed, throwing his head back against the seat.

He knew she wasn't coming. He knew God wasn't going to magically make his mother appear to hold his hand and guide him through the pain.

He changed positions again, getting back on his knees. He could feel something new.. More pressure and an intense urge to get rid of it. Before he could process what was happening, without even being in control, his body took over and was pushing without him. He groaned loudly as he felt the baby moving.

"Fuck! Ow!" He screamed, clawing at the seats.

He tried to go with it the next time. He pushed down with the contraction, grunting and crying in pain. He felt a burning sensation and knew it was coming and quick. He reached down and shoved his pants down, using his hands to explore what was happening.

That's when he felt it.. The baby's head was there, just visible enough for him to touch, which sent him into another round of sobbing.

He kept his hand there as he pushed again, feeling it emerge further towards the world. He then stopped, trying to catch his breath.

"I can't do this.." He gasped. "I can't.." 

His hands were dirty now and sticky with blood. He snapped out of it when he realized he needed something to wrap the baby in. He reached up to the passenger seat and grabbed one of the blankets he slept with and placed it near him.

He pushed again when he felt the urge and he screamed as the baby's head began to move out more. It hurt. It burned. It felt like someone was cutting him up in little pieces.

"Get out!" He screamed as he pushed again, harder than before. He moved his legs a bit further apart, trying to make room.

It was an odd sensation, half the time he was pushing without even trying, his body's natural instinct was the only guidance he had and it was overwhelming.

On the next push, he gasped as the head came out fully and then the baby began to turn and rotate before he pushed again. One shoulder.. Then the next. The whole body slid out into his hands and he cried, immediately bringing the baby up to his shirt and holding it close. 

The car was soon filled with both her cries and his. 

She cried because this was new.. She'd been born into a cold and frightening new world.

He cried from relief. It was over. The pain was over and she was safe in his arms. She was alive; breathing and crying. Her face pink, along with her fingers and toes. She already had a dark patch of hair on her head as well.

Kellin used one hand to grab the blanket and wrap her up. He moved into a sitting position and leaned back, holding her in his arms. He was still trying to catch his breath and take it all in.

When he was finally able to gather enough strength, he did as the pregnancy books had said to do in an emergency birth: Tie off the cord once it stopped pulsing and then cut it gently.

He then laid back again and kept her close, watching her every movement in utter amazement that she had been growing inside of him for 9 months. That he had helped grow and produce every inch of her. He had kept her warm and safe in her little home and now he had her in his arms and for the first time in forever, he felt happiness and it made his eyes fill with tears.

"I love you." He whispered to her. "So much.." He breathed.

Out of the corner of his eye, his phone lit up, flashing a text up on the screen.

He could see the name.

It was Alex.

Alex.

Alex had texted him.

He grabbed the phone and opened the text.

".. I'm still fucking pissed at you.. But I just.. I've had his bad feeling.. Like.. A sickening worry that you aren't okay. Please just call me and let me know you're alive."

Kellin called him and stuck the phone to his ear. Alex answered right away but Kellin spoke before he could even get a word in.

"Alex? Alex.. I had a baby.. Right now.. I just had a baby.. In my car.." He cried. "I gave birth in my car.. Alex.. Alex I have a baby."

The line was silent for what felt like forever.. But then he heard Alex starting to cry.

"What?.. Kellin.. Where are you? Tell me where you are.. I need to get you help."

"The dirt road behind the main shopping centre near the hills."

"I'll be there as soon as I can.. Just hang on."

The next 20 minutes were a blur. Kellin was exhausted and had lost quite a bit of blood. He realized he had torn. Something that could have been avoided in a hospital where an episiotomy could have been performed to make room for the baby's head.

The baby was quiet now and asleep on his chest. He was trying to think of a name for her. Something that hadn't even crossed his mind until now.

A tap on the window brought him back to reality. He jumped slightly but could make out Alex standing outside.

He opened the door weakly and Alex gasped.

The car was a mess of belongings and food up in the front.. In the back his ex-fiance was laying across the back seats in a t shirt and a blood soaked pair of boxers. The seats were bloody and so was the blanket that held his newborn daughter.

Kellin blinked slowly at Alex as he looked at him in disbelief.

"I-.. It's okay. I'm calling for help.. You both will be alright." He whispered, tearing up as he got his phone out and called for an ambulance.


End file.
